Welcome to my brain


To be completely honest with you i used to be a pathological liar when i was grade 8-9.


I was hopeless inside my different individuality within my home life as my parents birthed two autistic children. the first accepted the other pushed to the side to allow for the genius being of the first one to grow

"If your mother and i knew we would have had such smart kids we would've had more."


and yet i have been aware of every wrong doing since i was able to walk. I was blamed for marital problems that i had no control over. i was a child. i hate blaming current beings on the extreme past and yet i can authorize that living over 18 years under the roof of my mother was unpleasant.


have you ever heard you mother tell you she doesnt remember anything about your childhood?

the worst part is accepting that i will never be allowed to heal. i am the only person who knows that my traumas have ever truly existed. even at the time i was told i was crazy. why is that? why did i get a father who doesnt belief in corporal punishment but a mom who was an expert on hiding it? an expert on manipulating my memory to forget it? an expert on convincing her husband i was a liar?


i have become an unreliable narrator to myself. i am a collection of voices and thoughts which are not my own. i take in abandoned voices like stray cats. i keep them safe and they keep me safe by not leaving. and i struggle to maintain.


i am fully conditioned to be forgotten. I lack integrity in the present. And thus I will love. I will be me best self. Every second may be the last second of my life. i will never be my mother, she serves as an appropriate lesson which will serve me better as an empathetic teacher.



This is my current form of a journal/diary/brain-dump space



List of my most frequent intrusive thoughts: