right now im coding in my science class.
right now I am in fourth grade. i am not thinking about the kids im thinking about the ugliest parts of my personality, existance, body, life, past, present, and future
honesty is hard, and its not natural to certain human systems, not natural to especially mine
right now im in my teaching social studies class. FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THIS WEBSITE COLORED! i have tried a ton of code but this is more of a me project anyways so i think im fine with it being not the coolest most professional thing out there. im okay with not being the best.
speaking of not being the best, i wanted to write about the books ive been reading/ listening to. I was listening to The Courage to be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi. the ideas i found related the most to my life were about freedom. freedom in this context is the courage to be disliked. while I do not have to actively seek out being disliked, the fact that I am disliked means that I have succeeded in not being a people pleaser. Today, I started listing to How to Know a Person by David Brooks. This book took the breaking down of society into the individual as the smallest unit (from The Courage to be Disliked) and talks about how to see and appreciate other individuals as different from us, but equally valuable as human beings. UPDATE I FOUND OUT HOW TO MAKE IT PURPLE I HAD TO HIT AN EXTRA BUTTON TO HARD REFRESH THE PAGE YAYAYAYAYAY!!
right now I am in fourth grade. There is a student with severe externalized depression. Why does everything have to bc a competition? I would like this child to be able to exist apart from a spectrum which determines his level of struggle. I liked listening to those two books the past week but I need to live the feelings and experinces that the books were supposed to help me handle. I hope I am a good person who works her hardest to illuminate the light in others, to see their souls. All one can do is try, i guess.
right now i am in a class about the psychology of learning. my professor asked us if we had students in our class who were "debbie downers", i mean theres a kid who is depressed and struggling but i dont really think its his fault. i have been noticing that the people around me tend to really like etiology. i used to too, i was always blaming some reasoning of my present circumstances on the past, and it was keeping me from living my life. i just kept being sad about the past. i think im finally gaining the skills to let go of my inner child and not abandon her. its been really hard to leave that hurt little girl behind, but i know i deserve more and she deserves to rest. I am not abandoning myself, im taking a step forward. UPDATE(10/23/2024): I don't know why I forgot this idea. I still try to blame my present on events from over a decade ago.
its been a while. hello. I guess I've been spacey and not really put together. life has been changing a lot and I'm doing fine but its just a lot of change. This is where im supposed to be right now. I'm glad to have this website. My brain feels messy today, and yesterday, and the day before.
I don't know how but I've found the love of my life. I think that this is rare but I know I am rare. My Love is rare. It has been the perfect distant crush, to tinder match, to boyfriend, to life partner. I appreciate the lessons I learn through being with someone I love unconditionally yet am somewhat different
im settling down, starting my career. hitting a wall with my nutritionist, im not sure if i am good enough to get better, if i was shouln't i be by now? this isnt fair. I am obsessed with staying exactly where i am and loathe it at the same time. im sure whoever reads this must think im crazy. i fit the definition of insanity.
Time is messing with me. It feels like its been much more than a year since I've been here. Typing. I have spent the past year growing. My brain has been concluding its development. I am on salary. I have stability. I am grateful for my body. I worry about the laundry. I still cry.
I've forgotten how to code. I feel sad about it. But, at least I have a purpose and a reason to be alive. Right now, that is my number one priority.
I am settling into this new life of mine. I have made it on here twice in the past month. That means I am coming back to myself.. I think.. I updated most of the pages today just a bit at the end. One could say that I gave my website a reverse trim. I just planned most of the week, granted I did get quite a few resources from teachers pay teachers. It is a life saver in the end. I like spending money on items made by teachers as well, even if its just a bit. My BIGGEST pet peeve on tpt is the ai bullshit. Why on earth am I aying real money for what ChatGPT spit out to your prompt! That is a specific ai tell I have from working my new job. I can spot an ai lesson plan from a mile away. Anyways, I can lesson plan for the week and be confident that it will cover the content and that I will be able to teach it. I prepped my outfits for the week today as well. It is Sunday. I just got off of Thanksgiving break. We had a whole week off. Shopping for lab suplies tomorrow and then making slides on tuesday. See you soon hopefully. x